Drunken No-One
by Draconai
Summary: It's been there since the first Nobodies were born from the bodies left behind by the darkness. When a member of the Organization comes to work drunk, then they all show up Where Nothing Gathers and sing until something scares him sober. A Kingdomized version of the old sea shanty 'Drunken Sailor', using the members of Organization XIII.


Draco: Just a little one-shot in an attempt to get my creative juices flowing.

I don't normally do in-canon fics like this aside from literations (novelizations, whatever) because they're asking for trouble, but a friend of mine was singing that shanty "Drunken Sailor" shortly after a discussion about possible names for IX, X, XI, and XII's Somebodies and the concept was too good to pass up. No, I don't have any idea when this would take place, yes, I acknowledge the impossibility of these circumstances, and no, I don't really care.

Before you begin reading, I would like you to think about which 'no-one' would be lightweight enough to be in a 'drunken' state 'early in the morning'.

Kingdom Hearts and all related properties © Square Enix and Disney

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**Drunken No-One**

It was 0600 Where Nothing Gathers.

All the thrones were filled, bar one - and the empty throne's usual inhabitant stood on the stage in the center of the round room, hood raised, body unstable, breath reeking of alcohol. This was not the first time that one of the Nobodies had tried to attend duty in this state - and after the first time, the elder members had formed a bit of a practice with which to make it work.

Xemnas had never had reason to participate - though he had never stopped the practice before - and this time was no different.

With a chuckle, Xigbar leaned forward, calling out to the lone figure on the stage; "You get a little carried away with the drinks?" he prompted.

Only unintelligible murmuring came in response.

The gunslinger only leaned back in his throne, forming his Arrowgun in hand, and ran his hand down the barrel once before beginning to sing;

"_What do we do with a drunken no-one?  
What do we do with a drunken no-one?  
What do we do with a drunken no-one?  
Earl-aye in the morning?_"

Some of the more junior members exchanged confused glances; but numbers III to VII all joined II in song, their voices echoing through the round room;

"_Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Xigbar reclined in his throne, draping his legs over one arm, and aimed his Sharpshooter with his left hand at the drunk on the stage; and, Xaldin began to sing;

"_Use him as a target for Two's old crossbow  
__Use him as a target for Two's old crossbow  
Use him as a target for Two's old crossbow  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Then the others joined in again; and now some of the junior members were singing along with the chorus;

"_Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Xaldin crossed his arm, his Lindworm lances appearing around him, and one of them impaled itself before the feet of the drunk; and Vexen began to sing;

"_Tie him to the lance that Three is using  
Tie him to the lance that Three is using  
Tie him to the lance that Three is using  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

By now, everyone but the drunk had joined in the song; roaring high and low;

"_Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Vexen formed his Frozen Pride shield in hand, chuckling devilishly, and from behind it drew out a vial of something that smoked; and Lexaeus began to sing;

"_Four said he needed a new test subject  
Four said he needed a new test subject  
Four said he needed a new test subject  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

"___Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Lexaeus called his Skysplitter tomahawk to hand, propping it across his shoulders, and locked his gaze on the gap in the hood of the drunk; and Zexion began to sing;

"_Pit him on Five in a staring contest  
Pit him on Five in a staring contest  
Pit him on Five in a staring contest  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

"_Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Zexion drew out his Book of Retribution, turning the pages methodically, and several of his own figure surrounded the drunk with no warning; and Saïx began to sing;

"_Let him see Six - if he can find him  
Let him see Six - if he can find him  
Let him see Six - if he can find him  
Early in the morning_"

"_Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Saïx formed his Lunatic claymore in hand, raising it at his side, and with a threatening gesture he snapped it open with a twist of his wrist; and Axel, getting the idea, began to sing;

"_Put him in the moonlight next to Seven  
Put him in the moonlight next to Seven  
Put him in the moonlight next to Seven  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

"___Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Axel formed one Eternal Flame fire wheel in hand, whilst the other dove into his pocket and drew out an empty stick for a bar of sea-salt ice-cream; and Demyx began to sing;

"_Take him to the clock with Eight and ice cream!  
Take him to the clock with Eight and ice cream!  
Take him to the clock with Eight and ice cream!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

"___Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Demyx called Arpeggio before him; flawlessly, he began playing along to the song on his sitar like he had been practicing his whole nether; and Luxord began to sing;

"_Let him hear Nine's old rebel music  
Let him hear Nine's old rebel music  
Let him hear Nine's old rebel music  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"_  
_

"___Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Luxord drew a whole deck of Fair Game; dealing two cards to himself and two to the drunk on the stage; then he flipped one card, revealing a ten, as Marluxia began to sing;

"_Make him play Ten until he's broker  
Make him play Ten until he's broker  
Make him play Ten until he's broker  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

"___Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Marluxia managed to grow a rose out of the stage below the drunk's feet; when the drunk looked up, the gardener was already holding Graceful Dahlia as Larxene began to sing;

"_Bury him in 'Leven's flower garden  
Bury him in 'Leven's flower garden  
Bury him in 'Leven's flower garden  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

"___Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Voltage flared in Larxene's hands as her Foudre knives appeared; she hurled a hand towards the drunk, and they turned to bolts of lightning as Demyx sang again, just for the hell of it;

"_Twelve is a bitch, so dance with lightnin'  
__Twelve is a bitch, so dance with lightnin'  
Twelve is a bitch, so dance with lightnin'  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

"___Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Then the drunk turned to the thirteenth throne; and Roxas was sitting there, Xion perched in his lap, their Keyblades crossed before them to obscure their faces; and Xigbar laughed, singing again;

"_Let him watch Thirteen and Fourteen flirtin'!  
Let him watch Thirteen and Fourteen flirtin'!  
Let him watch Thirteen and Fourteen flirtin'!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

Xemnas stumbled back on the stage, tripping on his own cloak, and his hood fell back as Roxas and Xion lowered their Keyblades, turning towards the Superior and joining in the song;

"___Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"

"_That's what we do with a drunken no-one!  
That's what we do with a drunken no-one!  
That's what we do with a drunken no-one!  
Earl-aye in the morning!"_

_"____Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Weigh, hey, and up she rises!  
Earl-aye in the morning!_"  


* * *

Draco: Okay, be honest with me; did I fool anyone into thinking that was Roxas or Xion on the stage drunk?


End file.
